sorry for being late with this post! it was equal parts busy-ness and uncertainty with what to write. i have a couple posts on the back burner, but the time does not seem right. so now i am winging it and giving an update on my life lately.
i have spoken with friends about this and it keeps creeping back more and more every day; worry over finances. i have written on my budgeted cash book: "Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have!" Hebrews 13:5 as well as: "And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches which have been given to us in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:19. i seriously need to read these every time i open this book. we were struggling for a couple months up until tax return season... but throughout the ENTIRE time, everything was taken care of. i know for a fact that God had His hand on our family and we always had food, payments were made on time and we still had a roof over our heads. even so, i was so excited for our tax return. i could not wait to pay off the debt we had, save money for the summer and the various other things we needed the extra money for. i just wanted to feel comfortable. a safety net if you will.
well. if you know me, you know that money burns a hot and quick hole in my pocket. being denied ANY spending money for, like, 5 months was so hard on me! i was starting to feel entitled to some fun money. that and i have a hard time, still, not 'coveting my neighbor's... well... everything, haha. anyways, i did wind up buying a few things that i did not need, but i started to get scared. i was starting to feel those 'unsafe' feelings again, but this time i actually had money in the bank! and savings account! well, other things came up, trips, car maintenance, weddings/showers, preschool etc. and we are back to square one, except now we have a bit put away for the summer for when our income decreases. back to 'absolutely positively HAVE to follow our budget because we don't have cushion room' kind of living. and to think that i could not wait to get away from this! i figure that if it is not there, i can't spend it and there is some freedom in that.
but Satan attacks. and he knows exactly what buttons to push in us. so i have been dealing with worry again. but not over food and rent and everyday life things being taken care of. we have a budget for that. but the extra stuff that is looming in our near future. gas money for a couple trips out of state that we need to take. some gift money for a couple weddings we are attending. and i know for a fact our truck is going to need some work this summer. oh yeah, and the 'check engine' light went on in my car today. ugh! lol.
so all of this brings me to my last verses: Matthew 6:24-27
“No one can serve two masters. For you will hate one and love the other; you will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?" and verse 32, 33: "These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."
can i truly say that in these past couple of weeks i was 'seeking the kingdom of God" above all else? big fat NO. and this shames me. but i am human, i keep making mistakes. i figure that as long as i am on the right path, the fact that i am really trying to seek after God with my whole heart, He honors that. it is an every day struggle. but that just means that i have to keep seeking God every day, too. and i know that is exactly what He wants.