Boy, have I been getting hit with life lessons, lately. God is trying to tell me something. Again. (This is, like, the third or fourth ‘again’ for me, by the way)
Last week we downgraded to a no-cable and no-smart phone home. The cable I could take or leave. Now I won’t feel obligated to hurry up and empty my DVR cache. I will miss new seasons starting this fall, but I would rather save the money.
Downgrading from my iphone to a flip phone was much harder. I felt like a middle aged person trying to learn a new contraption. Except I was going backwards, technologically. I was so afraid I was going to get lost driving somewhere and my trusty 3G GPS system would not be available anymore. Oh, what did I do in the early years of 2000?
I did learn a lot about myself and not all of it was lovely. I learned that I depended way too much on what was happening on Facebook and Instagram and even Pinterest. (I really felt like my life was not complete until I caught up with everyone’s feeds!) I also learned that I cannot text on a flip phone. It takes me ten times longer, and it does not have auto correct. I used to curse auto correct. Now I miss it like a lover gazing out to sea waiting for her sailor to come home. (I also learned I am serious about my auto correct)
I learned that I care too much about what other people think of me. Now, I did know this about myself, but I learned that it has leaked into almost every facet of my existence. How Christian am I? How good a wife and mother? How good of an artist/business woman? How ‘hip’ am I (eventhoughIamachristian?) even. Ouch.
I am a girl with deep-rooted abandonment issues and with every status, picture and even blog post I write, I am screaming out “PAY ATTENTION TO ME! LOVE ME! HAVE A HIGH OPINION OF ME, PRETTY PLEASE?”
It’s only the truth here. It kind of hurts to see it let out.
I did learn some lovely things, though. After the initial ‘freak out’ over not having 3G or even wireless at home for a couple days, I felt more freedom. I can actually do the list of things that I have (literally) piling up around the house! I have found some of those ‘social status’ ties to be cut and what has been on my brain again is this: “What does God ACTUALLY think of me right now?”
I haven’t thought about that in a long while. Like, REALLY. Not superficially. I really let the Internet cloud my brain with Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.
Please don’t get me wrong. I am not on a mission to condemn these things or even point the finger and accuse anyone of doing the same. I promise. I am just here to tell my own story, because I like to let everyone know where I am coming from. And maybe that will inspire people to truly live an honest life themselves.
I also fully get that some may think that by me writing and posting this I am just feeding into what I said earlier about myself and what others think of me. (Haters gonna hate, Proverbs 9:8!) But I promise, again, this story is told with a heart of pure intentions! (And btw... totally couldn't wait to use the 'haters gonna hate' quote... just sayin')
Since I had so much more time on my hands, I decided to work up in my craft area of the kid’s playroom. This brings me to my last lesson learned of the week. (I hope!) I keep kicking myself for my reactions to this and it keeps happening. When the kids get tired and cranky and start to fight, I picture myself swooping in, gracefully, to the rescue. Hearing each story out, fairly. Speaking quietly but firmly to each offender and sorting out the problem. Seeing them work it out and begin to play again, oh, so cutely together.
This did not happen. I have become the crazy neighbor lady who can be heard through the open windows, screaming at her kids. Tears ensue and the baby wakes up. Now I have three kids crying at the top of their lungs. It’s also my favorite time of day. Bedtime. (I say this sarcastically. My real favorite time of day is at least 25 minutes after bedtime when I know they all are actually asleep.) (That’s not completely true either, I do enjoy when my children are awake, but every mother can agree with me that second best is 25 minutes after bedtime!)
Now, what went wrong? I have thought about this and obviously my reaction to things. Today was even a great day, so I wasn’t cranky. The problem was that I was distracted. It was a good distraction, a needed one, I was working on my Toms business, but I ignored the first warning signs my kids were giving me and the second, and, well, you get the idea. I learned that I need to be fully present when it comes to my kids. Brain and body. When they are doing their thing, it’s ok to go and do my thing. But when they need me, I have to put on the brakes, and be ok with doing that. Not begrudgingly.
I am not going to tie this in with my relationship with God, right now, though I am sure there is a lesson to be learned there, too. This post has gotten way too long. But I thank you for sticking with me and not judging me. (pretty please?) Lol. I just hope that I can remember this lesson and do better the next time. If I don’t, I give you all permission to remind me! So that’s all for now, and goodnight!